Good morning! I just completed my rituals. Took less than 30min and that’s with some fumbling. I’ve been feeling meh. And I don’t quite get what to do next. Mr. made a comment about us “texting every 5 minutes”. which I know is an anxious attachment trait that I posses that I do not like it. In absence, it triggers my abandonment fears, which I am coming to realize are a bit more pronounced than I once believed. I do know that this is a test. This is what we knew would happen. Things come up. But what I have a problem with is knowing what is okay to say, what is okay to ask for, and what is okay to talk about. I think my horoscope told me to ask for what I want.
I’m going to ask him to not leave me on read.
But then again, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to. That just wants to observe. And I think that sometimes I coach it out of people which is either manipulative or manifesting.
I definitely need some reminders for myself. Now, I don’t think I’m codependent. DEfinitely not.
I just sent emails to 3 therapists. One of which was one that I think I found for a client in the past. Looks lik ehe is taking on new clients. So that will be good.
I saw my friend yesterday. I have such a hard time not letting my mind go crazy. There’s the whole Only Fans N thing I think her name was. And then yesterday he’s all asking about getting tested. He cleaned his apartment on Sunday & Monday and said he’s been staying up late and hasn’t been getting up in the morning, or he’s been starting late. So I imagine he’s haning out with this person.
THat’s the chunk of my carried away thoughts. So then I get avoidant. That’s what I’ve done in the past. Because I feel like “I’ve done something wrong or that I have to look the other way, because if I ask it’ll upset the person.
That is a people pleasing behavior and it completely disregards my need for clarity.
The need/desire for clarity and transparency is a boundary.
Okay so I asked. I thought about it more then I asked. HE said he did have sex with someone monday that he’s seeing, some girl from Bumble and I feel good about it.
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